Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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