just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
