I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
