my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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