Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
