I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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