There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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