What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
