So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just googled if crying burns calories
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
