Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Randomize
