my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
