I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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