So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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