The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
