just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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