So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
