I hope mine doesn't look like that
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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