Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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