$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
