Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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