They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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