Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
