you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
