8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
