Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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