Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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