she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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