I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
