so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
