How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
