Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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