God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
