Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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