youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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