But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
