This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
