Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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