Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
