No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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