I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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