She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
