remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
