this beer tastes like vomit already
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
