i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
