Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
