Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
