well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
