I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
