i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
