I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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