Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
